I have two alter egos. I wish I could say they were some awesome Super Hero personality, but they are quite honestly the exact opposite.  I call them Anxiety Girl (I’ve introduced her before) and High School Heather.  If the two appear at that exact same time, whoa, that’s a recipe for some awkwardness.  High School Heather is the side of me that tends to come out in crowds.  Its the insecure side that screams at me that everyone else is “more” of something.  More connected.  More outgoing.  More likeable.  More relaxed. Just “more”.  Honestly the place where I tend to be the loneliest is in a crowd.  I thought this was just me until last night.  My beautiful friend made a vulnerable facebook post after an event at our church that she just finds it hard to build friendships and how she must just be awkward.  My reaction was honestly “HUH???”  The reason I say that is because just that night as I was standing in a line with one of my kids I was watching this friend.  My kiddo was bouncing all over the place and we had just had a major discipline issue and epic meltdown in the middle of VBS.  I was sitting there feeling so alone and discouraged… in the middle of a crowd.  As I watched this friend, I observed how she was laughing with some people and how her laughter is contagious.  I watched her float from group to group with a smile on her face.  As I watched her I wondered if I would ever be that connected at church? Or really just anyplace? I wished that I was anything but the introvert that I am.  I hated that it is so darn hard for me to just go up to someone and start a conversation.  Basically, I looked at her and wished I could be more like her.  As she was looking at others and wishing that she could be more like THEM.

Our enemy is sneaky that one.  Constantly making us believe that others are more of something, while we are absolutely lacking.  It’s a vicious cycle as we stand on the outside and perceive a reality that absolutely does not exist.  On my friend’s post, all of a sudden woman after woman commented that they feel the exact same.  So many of these women are people that I admire, that I think are awesome, that I assume KNOW exactly how awesome they are… and they all feel “less than.”  Awkward.  Alone.  And I silently screamed inside as I read the comments “you are each so amazing.  So beautiful.  So vulnerable.  So loved. I soooo would love to be great friends with each of you because of how awesome you all are.  How do you not see it??”  It’s because the deceiver is so loud with his quiet snarls.  As he hisses in our ear that we just don’t fit.  As he shoots down every thought of that invitation you want to extend to someone because “I’m sure they have better things to do.” As he tells you not to message that person that compliment because they’ll “think you are weird.” As he stops you in your tracks from going and talking to that person in a crowd because “why would they want to talk to you??”  And he is hissing these lies all across the room… and we are all feeling lonely in the crowd.  And we are seeing the pictures and wondering why we aren’t in them.  And we stay disconnected, because that’s his ultimate plan.  Isolation.  Feeling less than.

What if we fought back?  What if we realized that across the room each person was fighting there own alter ego?  What if we realized that satan is never going to encourage us to go love on someone and that “whisper” is from the Lord?  What if we listened to the whispers over the hisses?  The enemy is never going to encourage connection.  He is only going to fight for isolation.  He is never going to encourage community.  He is ONLY going to try to make us feel alone. I don’t know about you, but when I see it that way I get fighting mad.  I’m weary of seeing women not realize how awesome they are!  I’m disgusted with the fact that these women I have longed to connect with are feeling isolated themselves… and I could have done something about it.  I’m mad that I have allowed myself to be deceived.  So, the next time I’m in a crowd I’m going to do something about it.  High School Heather will take a deep breath and realize that she’s likely talking to your inner High School persona as well.  She’ll do her best to say “hi”, even though it requires every ounce of courage she has.  What if we all did that?  What if we message those women those kind thoughts we have about them?  You never know when someone might be in their room in tears feeling alone.  What if that changed everything?  What if we start that book club?  That “if:Table”?  What if we asked that friend to coffee that we really want to get to know?  What if we don’t assume that that person has “enough” friends, “why would they want to get to know me?” and just extend the invite.  What if we realized that each of us is fighting battles that NO ONE knows about and that not one of us has it all together.  What if we realized that the SECOND we believe someone else has it together that we are believing a lie?  What if we realized that THAT lie was keeping us from connecting us another person that just might need that connection more than they need oxygen.  I think that if we fought the lies and obeyed the whispers, we might just actually build the community we’ve been praying for.  I’m willing to try, how about you?