Let’s talk about the call to be Christlike, even when we don’t feel like it.  Ugh.  The past couple of weeks have been doozies.  Lots of things that test my patience and ability to love others the way Christ does.  Quite honestly, my spirit knows how I “should” respond, but my “flesh” has had other ideas.  Does anyone know what I’m talking about here?  I have had a few little temper tantrums this week.  One when I was super tired and wanted to go to sleep and my daughters monitor decided to lose connection and “beep” at me every 30 seconds.  Choice words were said and I had to fight the urge to throw that stupid monitor across the room. Is a beeping monitor that big of a deal?  Not on any planet.  It was just the straw that broke the camel’s back that night.  As I was lying in bed, I realized that my fuse is incredibly short this week and prayed for God to help me with patience.  Well, that only means that you get plenty of moments to practice said “patience”.  When I went to bed last night, early bedtime because we lost power again, I was just OVER it.  Would love for some smooth sailing any day now.

This morning I woke up and spent some time with the Lord and here is what I read (it was all of James 1, I’m just highlighting a few morsels). “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sister, whenever you face trials many kinds. Because you know that the testing of your faith produce perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4.  So, do you want my honest emotions after I read that?  Picture a 3 year old throwing a fit.  “But I don’t wannnaaaaa…. I don’t want to consider it joy!  I want to pout and throw myself a little pity party.”  Yep, I’m sure that is what James was talking about when he talked about maturity.  Then as I do, I decide I need some perspective and I think about the terror attack this week.  And I think about a team member whose sister just was diagnosed with cancer.  Then I think about another whose child is battling cancer and just lost her brother.  What on EARTH am I whining over?  Such a brat.  I then continue reading “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.  Such a person is double-minding and unstable in all they do.” James 1:5-7. Ouch.  Double-minded and unstable.  Not the descriptors I desire for my name.  I want wisdom.  I so want it.  Do I want it enough to be the rock in the midst of the storm? If so, I better buckle up and start acting like it!

As I continued reading, further down in the chapter, I got this “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (“put down the baby monitor Heather…”) because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires….” jumping ahead to vs 22 “do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. DO WHAT IT SAYS.  Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.  But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continues in it– not forgetting what they have heard, but DOING IT- they will be blessed in all they do.” James 1:19-25 (Go ahead and go read v. 26 too).  I admit, I’m bad about looking in my “mirror” as I read the word and then forgetting what I look like.  As I sit there, I let myself see the true reflection.  Not slow to anger always.  Knowing what I should do and then choosing the easier way.  In those moment, I know what my reflection really looks like and I want to change it.  Or rather, I want to let God remove those things from me and mold me totally into His image.  More than anything on this earth, I want for others to see Him in me.  I want my conversations with them to be a light that points straight to Him.  I want my reactions to daily aggravations to be something that only God can do.  I want that more than I can even communicate in words.  But then after I look in that mirror, I put it away, go about my day and forget what I really look like.  What a sad reality is that?  My prayer, is that as I spend each day with Him that I will truly allow Him to mold me.  That in Him, I will realize that freedom from anger, resentment, the need to be right, the need to be ‘seen’ and ‘heard’, that’s true freedom.

I’m sure sometimes people wonder why I’m so open and honest about my flaws.  Well, one, because I feel God telling me to share my story and I want to obey.  However, the second reason is that these blog posts help ME.  In moments of clarity, I feel God opening my eyes to the Heather He created me to be.  So when I struggle with mom guilt, I go back and read my post about guilt and grace and read his truths from the word again.  When I’m struggling with fear, I read a post about that.  When I need to be bold, I read that.  It’s my way of ‘journaling’ my journey and reminding myself of His truths as I do it.  Don’t for one second think that when I make a post that I suddenly have that area of my life figured out.  Ha.  Not even close.  I just now have something tangible to read when I battle all of these things on a daily basis.  If God uses it to help someone else realize that they are not alone in their thoughts, feelings and emotions… even better.  So for today, I’m off to try and put on my “big girl pants” and stop throwing fits when I don’t get my way… and to remember what I look like in the mirror…