I made a “rookie” mistake.  One that I’ve made more times than I can count on my journey in life.  I tried to do it on my own strength.  It’s never a conscious decision.  It’s not like I wake up one morning and think “hey, today seems like a good day to stop relying on the Lord.”  It’s more that I let other things take priority in my mind.  It’s a subtle shift from what should be first slowly becoming last.  That decision one morning to wake up and check my messages before spending time in the word, then the day gets going and I forget.  Then one day becomes the next and before I know it months have gone by without me even cracking open my Bible (or opening my Bible app as the case may be).  I’m not proud of this.  In fact, it breaks my heart.

This past year has been a busy one in the Burke house.  If I’m to be honest, the past three years have been.  We are JUST NOW starting to find our rhythm and new normal as a family of 7.  When you think that three years ago we went from a family of 5, to a family of 6, then three months later to a family of 7.  During that time, my business was exploding.  I was still working for my work from home job as a billing assistant 20 hours a week.  Working my Plexus business and my husband was still coaching and teaching.  Once he resigned, we moved into a rental and put our house on the market.  I continued to work my other part-time job (longer than I probably should have).  We sold the house, built another and then moved from our rental into that house.  During all of that time, we had a new family dynamic and we were parenting a child that has endured trauma.  Anyone that has done that just nodded their head… they get it.  Add to all of this travel.  Fun travel, but travel.  Then throw in a back office switchover that has gone less than smooth.  Technology is fun.  That’s all I’m going to say about that.  So in saying all of this, you can see that I NEEDED Jesus these past few years MORE than I needed the air I breathe.  In the beginning, I relied on Him.  He carried me through each day.  When I couldn’t do it, He did.  But somewhere along the way… I got “busy.”

Busyness, it’s such a trap.  Everything feels urgent.  The things that scream for our attention are usually the things that deserve it the least.  The things that truly deserve it usually suffer in silence.  Here’s the deal… those messages that start “dinging” at 6 in the morning and don’t stop… well, they just don’t stop, they are not life or death (usually).  The texts.  The emails.  The phone calls.  The never ending demands on our time.  Where do you fit into that?  I can tell you what happened to me.  My day was beginning the second my alarm went off.  I would switch it off on my phone, see the waiting messages and stumble out to my kids.  They would start asking me a hundred questions, I’d send them off to brush their teeth, their hair, find their shoes, etc… and then start answering messsages.  What a non-soul nourishing way to start my morning.  Then because that was the rhythm I was in, I would get them on their bus and continue to do that until they got home.  We’d have dinner, rush off to our evening activities and I would rush home to jump in my bath and have a glass (or two) of wine and scroll through facebook.  Now hear me, I love an occasional glass of Reisling.  But that once a week glass became one or two a night.  By no means a problem, but not exactly a healthy  mindset either.  Not when THAT was what I was relying on each day.  How did that even happen??  Busyness.  Distraction.  The things that should be first becoming last.  That’s how.

In December of this year, I had just had enough.  I was weary.  Of course I was. How does an empty vessel fill another? It can’t.  And I couldn’t. My soul was dry and it was effecting everything.  My family.  My well-being.  My joy.  My ability to give anything of worth to my team or my friends. I cried out to God and told Him I needed him and boy did I.  I was reading in Colossians the other day and read this “So then just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, ROOTED and built up in him, STRENGTHENED in the faith as you were taught and OVERFLOWING with thankfulness.” (Colossians 2:6-7,emphasis mine).  Deep roots= strength=overflowing.   Shallow roots= weak= empty.  If my roots are deep, He will strengthen me and I can pour into others.  If I have none, I have nothing to give.  Matthew 11:28 says “come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”  It’s a familiar verse, but oh, it’s so true.  Once I really fell and owned it, He did.  He gave me rest.  He refreshed my soul.  My life is no less busy.  But what did change is how I live it.  Practically speaking, what does it look like for me?  My alarm goes off and I keep my phone on “do not disturb.”  I wake up and sit with my kids on the couch as they get ready and sit with them while they wait for their bus.  I DON’T LOOK AT MY PHONE.  Once they get on the bus, I enjoy those 20-25 minutes  of quiet (before the 3 year old wakes up) with the Lord.  I’m not relying on my Bible app, I do use that throughout the day, but not for my morning time, it’s too easy for me to get distracted.  I got a new Bible and I’m just working through it and journaling as I go.  Only AFTER I spend time with Him do I turn off “do not disturb” and start making my way through any messages.  Throughout the day if I start feeling overwhelmed I “re-set”.  I turn it all off, turn on praise and worship and just focus on the One that matters.  I end my day the way that I began it.  Reading the word and focusing on Him.  I still take my nightly bath and once Lent is over, I’ll enjoy my “occasional” glass of wine again. THAT is no longer how I’m giving my soul rest.  It never worked anyways!  These few changes have changed EVERYTHING.  I’m not empty.  In fact, I’m overflowing.  He was there all along.  He longed to fill me up.  I just had to ask.