Yesterday I was talking to a dear friend.  Several times over the course of the conversation she mentioned things she felt guilty about.  Eventually she admitted that she just feels guilt about basically everything (I’m summarizing).  Of course at the time I said “NO! I hate it that you feel this way!” and tried to speak truth over her.  The conversation just sat with me all day, which usually means God wants me to lean into it.  As I started thinking about it, I realized… I’m the same.  I spend my days under a cloud of guilt.  About everything.  To clarify, I am NOT talking about conviction whispered to me by the Spirit.  I’m talking about guilt.  Many of us refer to it as “mom guilt”, however, it’s not just isolated to things in motherhood.

I feel guilty if I spend time on the computer working, because that is time I’m not spending with my husband or kids.  I feel guilty when I take a few days break from work, because I don’t want to let my team down.  I feel guilty because I worry that I’m not a good enough leader.  I feel guilty because I don’t think I’m a good enough wife… or mom… I feel guilty about boundaries I’ve had to place in my life because I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings… even if said boundaries are 100% necessary.  I feel guilty because I stink at keeping a clean house.  Here’s an embarrassing one to admit:  When I see someone vent on facebook (“vaguebook”) about a conflict or something/someone they are upset with, I feel guilt.  “what if they are talking about me?  What if they think I said/did this thing that I didn’t do??”  Y’all, I feel guilt about things I DIDN’T EVEN DO.  That takes some talent… being able to make something about myself that has absolutely NOTHING to do with me.  My best friend has a graphic that I gave her to send to me in those moments. It’s of “anxiety girl” my alter ego… she’s “able to leap to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound.”

These are just a few examples, if I gave you the full list, you’d be patting my head saying “poor sweet Heather… oh bless your heart.”  But the thing is, I don’t think I’m alone in this.  In fact, I think that I have more company in this guilt fest than anyone would care to admit.  Some of the things we feel guilt about are far more serious.  Guilt because we are successful (yes, that’s a thing).  Guilt because we broke away from a bad situation, but someone else was unable to.  The list could go on… and on… and on…

When I decided to lean into this last night, I started looking up scripture on “guilt”.  What flooded my google search was commentary on guilt and honestly it wasn’t necessarily pretty commentary.  My immediate thought was “where’s the grace??”  Then it hit me like a lightning bolt.  That’s it.  Where is the grace??  Some of us are so quick to heap grace on our friends, which is right and true, but unable to afford a single shred of it for ourselves.  I’m speaking to myself right now.  And then there are some that can’t offer an iota of grace to another individual, but it’s not because they are a terrible mean person, it is because they themselves have zero idea how to receive it, so they certainly don’t know how to offer it.  Both situations break my heart.  How I long for myself and all those around me to be both “grace givers” AND “grace receivers”.

Jesus says in John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”  He does NOT say “I have come that they may suffocate under the weight of unrealistic expectations.”  We certainly do let the thief steal our joy and abundant lives when we allow him to whisper these lies to us all day everyday.  I would love it if today was the end of that.  If we stood up and said “NO MORE!”  If we refuse to bend and break beneath the weight of lies that tell us we are never enough, no matter how hard we try.  He has never expected us to do “all the things” right.  If that was the case, we would have no need for a Savior.  My ultimate goal is just to end each day knowing that I gave him my best.  Or at the very least, gave Him me… faults and all.  And on the days that I go to bed weary, knowing that I didn’t get it all right to just trust that His grace is bigger than any weakness.  And be thankful that His mercies are new each day.